Thursday, February 11, 2010

This is my confession

The other night I was minding my own business, reading a book as my husband tried to sleep. I say tried because sometimes (ok, almost EVERY time) when I'm reading, he can't seem to relax. He tosses and turns a little bit, pulls the blanket up over his head, fluffs his pillow numerous times, and finally turns to look at me. I try to ignore him, but then he gently takes my right hand in his, and just holds it. Then he squeezes it and rubs the back of my hand with his thumb. You might think this is sweet, but here's what he is silently saying to me in the midst of all of these seemingly affectionate actions: "Megan, I'm about to go nuts. FOR THE LOVE OF MY SANITY AND FOR THE SAKE OF MY EXISTING CHILDREN AS WELL AS ANY UNBORN CHILDREN YOU MAY ONE DAY WISH TO HAVE, STOP NOW!!"

What is it that elicits this response from him, you might ask. Well here it is. I'm just going to lay it all out on the table. Face my demons. Confess to my addiction, and possibly ask for help.

I like paper.

There. I said it. Wow.
Ok, now let me explain this little (no...big, huge, GINORMOUS) fetish of mine. For some reason, I really, really like the feel of paper. You know when you're just finishing up reading a page and you grasp the top corner of the page and rub it to make sure you only have one page, and then you turn the page? Well, I do that HOURS before I actually need to turn the page. I rub the corner of the page I'm reading, then move on to the corner of the next page, then the next, then the next. When the book I'm reading gets more intriguing or suspenseful or funnier, I start flipping through the corners faster and faster. Sometimes I'll even start doing it with both hands. And if the book has glossy pages, it's even better! HOW WEIRD AM I?!

I have been doing this, and therefore annoying the crap out of people, for as long as I can remember. When I was younger and still living at home, my dad would slap my hand whenever he caught me rubbing the corners of my book. I remember unconsciously doing it at school and having people staring at me like I was a nut! And let's face it, I was! I didn't know how to stop the madness! I mean, I guess I could just stop reading, but then I might as well stop BREATHING too.

So, I thought to myself, "Self, great day! Today will be the day you stop this absurd habit and learn how to read like a NORMAL person." And that was my goal. Here are the steps I took:

#1- Admitted that I was powerless over my love of paper and that my reading time had become completely out of control.

#2- Admitted to my husband (and all of you) the exact nature of my problem.

#3- Became willing to have all defects removed.

#4- Tried to apologize to those I had annoyed, specifically, my husband, my dad, and various librarians and college professors.

#5-Made a concerted effort to keep my hands firmly attached to the sides of my book or magazine with fingers unmoving whenever I found myself reading.

#6- Made a commitment to myself to help others with this same problem to overcome it. Wait...THERE IS NO ONE ELSE WITH THIS SAME PROBLEM! I stand completely alone on this one. (although, I kinda think my son is going to have the same issue. He seems to really like paper as well. Poor little guy.)

So, how did it go, you ask?


Hi, my name is Megan. I like paper. And I have a paper cut. Let's just say that I DIDN'T get it by trying to tear open an envelope. Please love me anyway.


Ryan said...

I do love you anyway. You put up with all sorts of quirks in my world while still managing to love me, so I will do the same.

Hilary said...

Oh my gosh I laughed out loud at the "Self, great day!" comment. Ah the memories....I try to explain to people why this is funny to me but how do you explain Kearl's class?

As for your love of paper, I may not feel exactly the same way but I do love to read things in hard copy. People at work make funny of me and call me old/ancient but I can't help it. I'll print documents out to read and give me a good book I can put my hands on any day of the week over a Kindle!

Maegan said...

I have to say I have never really noticed another else with this same love/obsession but I am not avidly noticing other people's reading habits either.
So is opening your mail as good for you as eating warm cookies is for me?

nessakarin said...

I love this post. You made me laugh! But, I must say that I am SO glad that I don't live with you! (Please forgive me for that comment) I have a strange quirk of my own that seems to be at odds with your own. The sound of someone touching paper has always and will always give me violent chills! It used to drive me crazy in school and still drives me crazy at work!

Jessica said...

You are hysterical! How would we all gauge our spouses true love if we didn't ALL have these little "things"?

My advice to Ryan : Be grateful. Some women love diamonds. Your wife loves paper. Lucky guy!

C C & R said...

I have a love of paper as well, though not in the same way, but it does annoy Clark. Perhaps he and Ryan can get together and form their own support group.

Megan said...

Hil: I totally thought of you when I wrote that!

Maegan: No...warm cookies will always win.

Vanessa: It's a good thing we'll probably never live together. You might kill me.

Jess: Ryan saw your comment and thanked me for not being obsessed with diamonds. Thanks for reminding him to count his blessings!!

Chels: YOU LIKE PAPER TOO?! That made my day.

Kate said...

Megan, I have such fond memories of roommate reading with you! This post brought back a lot of those good times...and for the record, I think your weird page-rubbing fetish is entertaining and not at all annoying. :) sorry Ryan

Staci said...

Well, crazy buddy, guess who else rubbs the corner of their book pages? Yep, I do. And, sometimes I incessantly flip the pages over and over to the end of the chapter I'm reading and then back. So, WE could be reading buddies!!!

Camille said...

That is hilarious! Why did you never tell me sooner? I can't wait to watch you read some time!!!

Ella said...

Megan, this is hilarious! So funny to picture Ryan tossing and turning and taking your hand. Better yet, I already knew EXACTLY why he was having a hard time sleeping!!! I can totally picture you on your bed in China rubbing away at the page corners. You are awesome.

Millie6 said...

I've know for a long while you were a book reading fanatic, but I didn't know about the page rubbing thing. I'd call it audible anticipation! Reminds me of being little and hiding under the covers with a flashlight and book to read longer - my mom always came in and would take my book and hide it. I always found it between her mattresses the next day and went right back to reading. Bryan could most certainly commiserate with Ry because the nightstand light is always on as I read well into the night. Makes him crazy. You need a head light girl.
I also have a paper problem but that is for another day.